What does it mean to live as yourself?
Is there such a thing as a perfectly correct life?
~
I once had a Chinese face-reading session, during which the analyst remarked - don't be afraid to express your quirky and unusual sides. I was intrigued and amused by what she said given that I’ve been on my best behavior all my life.
The analyst happened to be a splenic projector, and I suspect that she recognised something in me that’s been muted, yet a gift to be expressed at the right time - not a point of shame and inadequacy.
I do have a controlling notself behaviour that will mute the unacceptable [mostly uncharted territory], although it can ‘spill’ when I’m socially overwhelmed and my open throat is conditioned. But I learned that I can't control myself and perhaps I shouldn't try to, instead just see what emerges by invitation.
The title is copied from the poem by Ibaragi Noriko [see below], which struck me as particularly relevant given that it's exactly how I feel. A sensitive and helpless oyster. And aren’t we all?...
For us, the hybrid HD fractal generation - those who need to go through a long period of deconditioning - living as oneself is the ideal, although it's a compromise if not a contradiction. Which self are we talking about?
Is it the purity of body movement and activity, or is it the trickster mind working through its strategies? Perhaps it’s both…
Perhaps 'who we are' is not as relevant as 'how we are', at any given moment. We may be in alignment with what's correct for the body, and still feel oppressed by self doubts. Any move or non-move will reflect how we are in the present, and whether we are one step away from the old self, or still moving along a conditioned pattern.
From my experience, what people look for in human design is liberation from the tyranny of mind and the turmoil of their wounded psyche - the product of years of confusion and self conflicts. No more wars. No more hidden sense of failure and resentment. No more debilitating fears.
What we all long for is to find a resting place inside.
But we need to remember that no one can live their perfect clean ‘self' - the unique blue print at the moment of birth. Life is messy. Consciousness is tricky. Mind will always push survival agendas to go against one’s strategy and inner authority in their authentic form.
The best we can do is observe the tension between what we are becoming and what has shaped us. The helpless oyster in us. And there is so much beauty and fulfilment in the experience when we recognise it as an ongoing process.
Over time, we may finally become interesting.*
*Based on a story told by Mary Ann Winger when Ra said to her 'You are finally becoming interesting'. This was an example for outer authority shared correctly, after a long period of waiting to respond as a way of life, and developing her individual seeing.
~
Yes, it is good even for adults to be rattled,
to give awkward greetings, to turn an ugly crimson,
to forget how to speak, to be clumsy,
to be as sensitive as a helpless oyster,
vulnerable even to harsh words from children.
There is no need whatsoever to hone these things.
It is difficult even for a new rose
to open outward, tenderly
as it gains in years.
At the core of all good work
is hidden a fragile, trembling antenna—
Ibaragi Noriko [1926 - 2006]