As sensitive as a helpless oyster

What does it mean to live as yourself?

Is there such a thing as a perfectly correct life?

~

I once had a Chinese face-reading session, during which the analyst remarked - don't be afraid to express your quirky and unusual sides. I was intrigued and amused by what she said given that I’ve been on my best behavior all my life.

The analyst happened to be a splenic projector, and I suspect that she recognised something in me that’s been muted, yet a gift to be expressed at the right time - not a point of shame and inadequacy.

I do have a controlling notself behaviour that will mute the unacceptable [mostly uncharted territory], although it can ‘spill’ when I’m socially overwhelmed and my open throat is conditioned. But I learned that I can't control myself and perhaps I shouldn't try to, instead just see what emerges by invitation.

The title is copied from the poem by Ibaragi Noriko [see below], which struck me as particularly relevant given that it's exactly how I feel. A sensitive and helpless oyster. And aren’t we all?...

For us, the hybrid HD fractal generation - those who need to go through a long period of deconditioning - living as oneself is the ideal, although it's a compromise if not a contradiction. Which self are we talking about?

Is it the purity of body movement and activity, or is it the trickster mind working through its strategies? Perhaps it’s both…

Perhaps 'who we are' is not as relevant as 'how we are', at any given moment. We may be in alignment with what's correct for the body, and still feel oppressed by self doubts. Any move or non-move will reflect how we are in the present, and whether we are one step away from the old self, or still moving along a conditioned pattern.

From my experience, what people look for in human design is liberation from the tyranny of mind and the turmoil of their wounded psyche - the product of years of confusion and self conflicts. No more wars. No more hidden sense of failure and resentment. No more debilitating fears.

What we all long for is to find a resting place inside.

But we need to remember that no one can live their perfect clean ‘self' - the unique blue print at the moment of birth. Life is messy. Consciousness is tricky. Mind will always push survival agendas to go against one’s strategy and inner authority in their authentic form.

The best we can do is observe the tension between what we are becoming and what has shaped us. The helpless oyster in us. And there is so much beauty and fulfilment in the experience when we recognise it as an ongoing process.

Over time, we may finally become interesting.*

*Based on a story told by Mary Ann Winger when Ra said to her 'You are finally becoming interesting'. This was an example for outer authority shared correctly, after a long period of waiting to respond as a way of life, and developing her individual seeing.

~

Yes, it is good even for adults to be rattled,

to give awkward greetings, to turn an ugly crimson,

to forget how to speak, to be clumsy,

to be as sensitive as a helpless oyster,

vulnerable even to harsh words from children.

There is no need whatsoever to hone these things.

It is difficult even for a new rose

to open outward, tenderly

as it gains in years.

At the core of all good work

is hidden a fragile, trembling antenna—

Ibaragi Noriko [1926 - 2006]

A reflection on empty

What to do when ‘nothing is happening’, so much so that life seem to be shrinking and leaving us feeling empty and alone?

And what do we do when there is no energy, no invitation, or nothing to respond to for long periods of time?…

This is a dilemma I often encounter with clients and students, as well as for myself. And - interesting timing for a reflection on ‘empty’.

Presently there is a conscious emotional manifesting generator chart in the transits [in full crisis] with the sun gate 5.2 Inner peace: The ability to ignore the temptation to take premature action. And the moon moved from gate 64 to gate 47 prodding us to make sense of time and flow, while waiting with inner peace and without the temptations that come with pressure.

It’s also the first time in months when I finally have the wind in my sails to write something with appetite and focus. Oh yes, I am in crisis according to my mind. I recognise the dilemma of whether one can fully trust strategy and authority without introducing goal-oriented interventions - even when life appears to be falling apart and the world is growing unstable.

People entering the experiment usually find themselves facing two challenges: one is the courage to say no with inner authority against social and family expectations. The other challenge is watching the old life emptying itself from activities and people in ways that appear to be ‘abnormal. It’s as if the form is shaking off unnecessary energy drains.

As one projector client recently commented - ‘There is hardly anything happening in my life, it could be the life of a vegetable’… We laughed. What she describes is her projector nature clearing the life from its old content, and preparing space for the right people with the right frequency. But meanwhile, there may be anxiety for the witnessing mind.

Ra often said - it’s the life of the body.

Can we even fathom what it means?…

The form may well be correct, but the mind is still in turmoil and unable to settle and to learn from the crisis experience. As a third line Martyr profile, this dilemma has always fascinated me. My take, both for me and for my clients is usually: Go all the way, stretch yourself and find yourself as you are. Face the ‘empty’ head on and see where it takes you.

Meanwhile, for those with an aptitude for learning and exploring, the Transformation steps are anchors on the journey. The PHS steps are designed to align the form, which is why we start there. However, we need to remember that the personality may take a while to align with the form’s life. In Ra’s words:

‘But it doesn’t mean that the consciousness is liberated. It doesn’t mean the consciousness awakens. It simply means that the form can live in this  life correctly.’

If you are ready you can explore your View and Motivation - the 3d and 4th steps. It’s a way to keep the mind occupied and bringing relief to a burdned consciousness. Although the distractions don’t completelty clear - nor are they supposed to - it’s a good practice to learn to dissociate from the relentless notself with its survival agendas.

Finally, if you are presently deep in ‘emptyness’ where ‘nothing is happening’- and you are able to stay - love yourself for honoring your journey and tackling the challenges head on.

Her song

A well known Japanese haiku poet named Momoko Kuroda died recently, aged 84.

I have just discovered her and read a book with her poems called ‘I Wait for the Moon’. The book was written by a former student and ally - an accomplished haiku poet herself, who did an excellent job translating Momoko’s work and ethos.

Exploring the art of haiku poetry myself, it made me want to investigate Momoko’s human design chart, as well as her death chart and see whether I can recognise the themes that inspired me to stretch my own creative thinking process.

There is no accurate time of birth for this poet, but still her basic chart themes show a manifesting generator with a defined head and ajna linked to the throat through the channel of Structuring [‘Genius to Freak’], as well as the G centre of Self, identity and direction with the channel 13/33 ‘The prodigal’ - all part of a continuum linked to the sacral centre with the channel of the Beat 2/14.

This is a powerful design - someone who can think on her feet and verbalise her knowing while collecting revelations fuelled by her responsive individual direction.

Reading about her and absorbing her poems I was struck by her individual ‘beat’ and her intellectual originality. Haiku poetry is based on capturing an experiential spark which is refined according to one’s style of wording perceptions.

Momoko excelled in capturing moments on the go and making them read like small revelations.

~

Noh mask splintered    .

fragments of the moon   

in the harbor

~

lighting a bonfire — 

seagulls the color of work gloves

~

white leek

— a beam of light —

now I chop it

~

The irony exploring a famous person’s chart lies in remembering that they mostly lived and expressed their reliable definition through the distortion of conditioning. Still. Momoko’s brilliance shines through, which brings me to her death chart.

A death chart is literally the chart of the person’s moment of death. It’s the last testament of the life’s themes with a headline and relevant extensions spread over the map.

Looking up someone’s death chart is a moving and humbling experience, especially for people we’ve been close to. It’s a form of voyeurism shedding light on one chapter of their soul’s journey - the one just completed.

For Momoko’s chart there is no time of death available, but the themes are mostly reliable with no significant changes for what I was looking for, which is the headline of her life found in the earth gate.

Her life’s headline is outlined in gate 47.6 - ‘Futility’. The blue line [lifelong learning theme in the rave i-ching] says ‘A difficult position for which there is no exaltation’.

This sounds harsh, and interestingly Momoko’s native chart has the gate 47 twice as part of her channel of abstraction - A design of mental activity and clarity. It can be a challenging channel to have with potentially oppressive and obsessive thinking cycles looking for a way out of confusion, and trying to make sense of one’s experiences.

For Momoko this was clearly a tool of her craft. ‘Futility’ is reflected in the same cyclical thoughts and oppressing onself, but this is where the haiku mind comes in handy. There is always something new in the ‘same same’ cycle of daily life.

The 47.6 earth gate’s keynote outline points to the sun gate 22.6 as part of her life’s purpose theme, and so the treasure trail continues:

22.6 ‘Maturity’ - The alignment with experience of form with substance. Well wow. Isn’t it a perfect outline for us all on the journey of alignment?… In the context of human design it’s the maturity inherent in the experiment, aligning our form and its substance through experience.

It’s futile to think about self alignment as opposed to living it. The form is living its life, and if we are lucky we can witness and experience our maturity with awareness.

Momoko’s death chart’s trail continues with more hints. We already know what the learning of emotional maturity is, as outlined in gate 22.6 and its individual mutative frequency. The message is in the detriment and the first paragraph states - The alignment tends to express itself in non-conformist modes…

Momoko was non-conformist. Her native personality Saturn gate is the individual gate of shock 51.4 ‘Limitation’. Her disciplined non-conformist approach rose out of Limitation which brings ‘pure inventiveness’ as in the keynote.

In other words, Limitation, even at its most futile [as far as the mind is concerned], can bring pure inventiveness. This ‘genius to Freak’ poet has lived this theme by all accounts.

At the end of the day, one’s song is intended for those who are here to hear it. There is much more to glean from Momoko’s two charts - life and death - but perhaps it’s enough to inspire some readers to explore the ‘Death and dying’ body of knowledge from the Cosmology courses - if not to start reading and writing haiku, like I have.

~

balmy fall day—

my body swathed  in 

naturally dyed cloth

~

underground passage

there’s a wind rushing by —

the calendar seller

~

Haiku poems above from the book ‘I Wait for the Moon - 100 Haiku of Momoko Kuroda’. Translated with commentary by Abigail Freedman.

The temple

This was my view on a warm summer night a few weeks ago, just before the full moon. The moon seemed to be mirroring the light in the farm house down the road, where a busy and jolly family lives with their children and dogs. The parents are always out and about carting stuff back and forth from the fields, and the kids often ride bikes and tractors with excitable dogs behind. A sweet tribal home portrait.

It looks like a fitting image for “Home is where the heart is”, and given that the theme for this blog is inspired by gate 46 - now in the sun - and part of the cross of The Vessel of Love, I thought it might be an opportune moment to explore some observations I have around place, direction and self love. And of course - differentiation and transformation.

Gate 46 is the gate of ‘love of the body’ and its keynote is ‘Pushing Upward’. It forms part of the channel of Discovery with its harmonic gate 29 and it’s also associated with serendipity. The serendipity of success that is also the result of effort and dedication. Of course it’s not the dedication of the mind trying to figure out what to do next, or where to go and when.

It’s dedication to self alignment that brings about the reward of being in the right place at the right time.

What’s particularly interesting about place and being in the right place, is that it truly reflects love for the body. The body is naturally loved by not having to constantly deal with resistance. Also, being in the right place means easy access to correct food and information intake, more protection and the ability to deal with conditioning.

Having my G centre undefined I have always been fascinated by the themes of place, direction and identity. I have always wondered how people somehow ‘slot’ into place somewhere. Every time I travel I watch people and their homes, especially those who seem to belong in a community and to grow roots. It has never been my experience personally, although I have a deeply tribal design, and so the human design knowledge brought me a welcome relief.

I don’t have to figure out where I am supposed to be. Life takes care of that for me. I have been living in the same place now for nearly a decade with my partner. I have hardly traveled in the last three years and am noticing that my body is happy staying in one place for now, which happens to be a ‘Mountain’ environment. Also, my correct food intake has been very consistent without the disturbance that can take place during travel.

It doesn’t mean that everyone experimenting with their PHS should stay put. The serendipity of being in the correct place, with strategy and authority, brings a sense of resonance and the body gets what it needs for its health and survival.

“The determination to accept that one is in the right place is deeply spiritual. It is surrender to the cycle and in that surrender is the potential of discovery.”

This quote is from the Rave I-Ching for gate 46 and I particularly love the first line. Accepting that one is in the right place is deeply spiritual, especially now that we are seeing many changes in the world with increased limitations on various levels. More and more people are looking to move or to emigrate to new places for future security, without the benefit of understanding their human design.

I know people on the human design path who’s life circumstances recently made them ‘homeless’, not because they are materially poor, but because they ceased resonating with the old places and the careers they had had, and they are waiting to see where life takes them next. It's not always easy to be patient and discerning with strategy and inner authority, especially when there is time pressure and tension.

Waiting, no matter what your type and design and the acceptance of not knowing - is deeply spiritual. After all, here is where the body is, and it is the surrender that brings the potential of discovery which the mind could never dream of.

Meanwhile, we can watch the moon and marvel at its beauty. And we can also marvel at how none of this is in our hands.

Home is where the body is. Love your body.

Differentiated authority

Lately I have been pondering the meaning of health, healing and recovery in the context of human design and especially the correct ways of guiding people who are moving through physical challenges.

Personally I don’t know much about medical science and physiology, but I am interested in observing the meeting place of internal and external authorities while reflecting transformation in the body, especially for people who follow their PHS food regimen.

My own experience in the last few years taught me that correct self alignment sometimes appears counter-intuitive if not dangerous to the collective homogenised principles of health and healing. It's what the differentiation process can look like, paradoxically.

I remember one of my first PHS clients who fell ill with a severe kidney infection and opted to stay at home in her cave room away from light. She recovered three long weeks later with no intervention and no medications apart from natural holistic remedies. A projector with indirect light as her regimen and caves as environment. Her authority kept resisting her husband’s panicked and persistent invitations to go to hospital.

At the time even I felt worried while supporting her and sometimes questioning her passiveness, which I kept to myself. She was my first radical differentiation model in action, which suits her well as a heretic. It was also my first edgy experience guiding someone through a painful physical dilemma.

It’s only now while moving through my second Saturn return as a 3/6, that I am beginning to see and experience the vulnerabilities of the differentiated body, as well as its mutative and self-recovery power. But it's also clear to me that there needs to be conscious awareness expressed in alignment with authority, in order to support such a process.

For generators it can be the voice of sacral response - a nine centred ‘healing miracle’ I have been witnessing with my intuitive Manifesting Generator partner, who is currently on remission from two types of cancer. Sharing his journey and supporting him in the last 4 years made me grow up a lot.

I noticed that every authentic gut-response brings renewed energy and vitality for him. And every forced mental decision results in exhaustion. His body doesn’t have energy to sustain incorrect decisions anymore.

And then there are times when I feel blessed to experience the meaning of communion between external authorities. Recently I was invited to guide a former projector client with whom I very much enjoy connecting.

As soon as we met on zoom my client shared that she is dealing with a difficult health challenge and as a result her life has been turned upside down. It came as a shock. My analyst mind reacted immediately by trying to figure out ‘where’ the challenge might be located on her chart, and seeing whether I can offer some solutions. But there was no energy nor appetite for it. What felt right was to keep quiet and to allow her to speak.

My client’s design is a triple split with all awareness centres defined including her head and ajna - none of which are linked. One of her challenges is transcending the mental pressure to act spontaneously based on ideas and interpretations. When under pressure she can struggle connecting with the timing and nature of her emotional process.

Listening very intently with my quad-left focus, there came a moment when I could ‘smell’ a different vibe and a different content. It’s when I finally spoke in support of what I recognised as potentially relevant to her situation. Her mind sounded confused for a while, but a truth relevant to her situation was being explored. There followed many pauses.

Finally came an emotional release with relief and awe. Something has shifted. What just happened?...

Somehow my client had clear access to her splenic 'Well' and it could directly connect with her emotional depth without being controlled by old certainties. Looking at the transits later I could see that the conditioning forces were supporting her, first linking her splenic awareness with her emotional authority and also defining her open throat so that her process was expressed and voiced and - manifesting a shift in her state.

It was the right timing for her to access a clear conscious signal from inside her, and it was the right timing for us both to connect. My client shared with me a few days later that when she went to see her doctor next, he was surprised to observe that her condition shifted from chronic to treatable. It was very good news. Of course it's not the end of her healing process. It would be naive to expect everything to shift miraculously at once.

Weirdly, when I wanted to listen to the sessions’s recording in order to trace and to understand exactly ‘what happened’ between us, I realised that the most important part of our session had not been recorded thanks to a technical glitch. That's the program for you… Not knowing is ok too.

Aloneness

I just had our weekly food supplies delivered by a jolly driver. We talked about how we are keeping during such crazy times and given that I don’t watch or read news, I learned that the ‘crazy times’ are still all about covid and keeping safe and also how we are sadly ruining the planet. There was mention of the fact that children don’t climbs trees the way he used to as a kid, certainly not his teenage son, and maybe it’s part of the problem.

I hardly said a word all this time, simply listened and smiled noticing how detached I feel from all this, although it was lovely to be complimented as ‘one of the nicest customers' whom he enjoys meeting. Of course I don’t expect to become bosom friends with anyone who is nice and who thinks I am nice. But it was a reminder of how rare it is to connect with others - truly.

Most social interactions are superficial, which of course makes sense. We are still organised by the tribal bargain and so we are mostly friendly, sometimes even showing real sympathy and the willingness to support in times of trouble. However, anyone starting on their human design journey learns how vulnerable their social bonds become in the face of honest inner authority.

Most of all - there is a sense of aloneness. Not many people can ‘get’ human design in practice. But social loss can bring a secret gain, which is finding out over time what is true for us, and letting life do the rest.

Aloneness starts with the truth of who belongs in our life and the frequency of connecting with them on various levels. Also, the truth of where our place is and when it’s correct for us to act or to interact. Food intake and environment are the attunement tools, while view and motivation reflect the zigzag movement of awareness within the journey. Each step is revelatory by highlighting layers of our differentiating nature.

Funny to see that the moon is presently in gate 61.3 Interdependence - It is exceedingly difficult for truth to stand alone. It’s a wonderful experience to be able to share personal revelations with the right people, but it’s also fun to have a fleeting social chat with a stranger who simply happens to show up as part of life’s daily surprises.

You may feel alone in your experiment, but you are never alone when you can live you right here and now.

A hidden gem

It looks like today is the day I have the energy to share some thoughts with natural appetite, after a long pause.

I always say to emotional projectors that we are the slowest designs and that we are truly blessed in this way. Of course this is completely personal and coming from a growing sense of comfort with my design and the way it operates. My favourite motto has always been - ‘when in doubt have a cup of tea’ - literally and theoretically.

I have been in slow waiting mode, more so than ever in this past year, during which the world has seen so much change and drama and - mutation. Covid came and brought with it massive shifts and changes in everyone’s way of life.

The world has slowed down and there are many new limitations. There is also a lot of fear and tension in the background, given the physicality of the pandemic on various levels. There is the mass fear of catching the virus and there is tension around social distancing and the restrictions that are imposed on movement and activities like travel, cultural pursuits and social gatherings.

Ironically this is a perfect time to explore body intelligence and to test one’s individuality by following type strategy and rediscovering inner authority. It’s also a very exciting time to begin to experience the gifts of one’s differentiated brain and cognitive potential with PHS food intake, correct environment and also view and motivation.

Not so much as a ‘doing’ activity, but more of an ongoing embodiment observation exercise.

In my case I have been observing some interesting themes that are related to my design and inner authority. One example has been around the vaccine. I realise this is potentially an explosive topic but highly relevant for our purpose here, which is not about opinions, advice or social duty - but about self-alignment and differentiation. What Ra called ‘enlightened selfishness’.

To be honest my enlightened selfishness journey around the pandemic has been fraught with fear and inner fog and lots of amplified conditioning, but thankfully I now feel much more grounded in my ‘non-doing’ and inner authority. That’s what I mean about the blessing of being emotionally defined. When in doubt - have a cuppa…

When the call came by post it did not feel like an invitation, just an impersonal form. I had already been bombarded by warnings and opinions from both camps - the pro vax and the anti vax - from my family and the people I am close to. I noticed my open spleen was amplifying all the fear messages and threats and so of course it was time to Stop the world - and not make any decisions.

‘Sitting on the fence’ and not knowing, I can feel the comforting support of self-alignment. My emotional authority is pointing to nothing to do right now but waiting and observing. Self-alignment coming from inner authority is often unclear and uncertain mentally, but it feels right inside. That’s good enough for me.

Of course I have had to cross the gushing river of social criticism coming from the pro vax people, although the English are inherently polite. I have had a few people from the village raising an eyebrow disapprovingly, but I have also found that the language of inner authority is powerful and resonant even for people who don’t speak my language. Saying I don’t know yet and am still feeling into it is surprisingly effective with people I don’t really know.

What a surprising journey it has been, not just in terms of the vaccine so far, but also in terms of movement and social meetings. I do not go out very often which is fine by my body. I have become a bit of a recluse and not missing anything. That is a surprise for my mind.

My inner life has become richer and I am rigidly focused on my identified areas of interest, which is both fitting and reflecting a ‘cross of planning’ - my incarnation theme - during the last years of the global ‘planning’ cycle. My aloof 6th line body is ‘modelling’ social distancing just by following my strategy and authority, and my nose.

This truly is a time for the vehicle to live the life - in Ra’s words - and navigating, especially when it comes to places and people. All of us who are fortunate enough to have come across human design can rely on various signposts on top of strategy and inner authority. For example I can smell what’s potentially unsafe for me. My cognitive sense is the smell tone which supports my emotional authority just by breathing in through my nose.

And there are additional signposts from the transformation themes.

As soon as I think that I am failing in the social ‘power game’ and need to do something about it, I know I am off. That’s a warning from my Personal View signpost. Or as soon as I have an agenda with desire to stop an outcome or to reach an outcome like wanting to please people dear to me, or wanting to ‘conform’ so that I am left in peace - I know I am not in my correct Innocence motivation which is more like a relaxed ‘whatever’.

There is a lot going on in the world with many potential triggers to lose oneself in collective nervousness and fear. But the good news is that you have your own set of differentiated signposts to help you align with what’s correct for you, no matter what others think or say.

There was never a better time to dive deeper into your strategy, your inner authority and your differentiated self.

A tale ofTea and resonance

I started drinking green tea recently - proper green tea, if you please. My particular brand is called Sencha Karigane which is brewed at 80 degrees or slightly less if I wish to savor the sweet 'green meadow’ freshness and scent.

Historically, green tea has been on my Bof list [from French] as a whatever tea that’s supposed to be ‘good for you’, until a few weeks ago when we were invited to spend the day in the home of new friends and fellow human design experimenters - which is when I fell in love with the green liquid.

The husband, being a tea lover and a tasteful connoisseur, served us tea a number of times over the afternoon. I drank a lot on that day! [I also ate a lot of delicious food, but that's another story]. The green tea experience touched me deeply in a strange way, almost like a spell.

It has now become my afternoon tea treat and - it appears to have changed my drinking patterns. Until further notice.

What happened?.... I speculate that I may be experiencing a case of lingering ‘hydration resonance’ as a result of the social meeting. In other words - I spent some time in aura with people who have the potential capacity to shift my body’s hydration and liquid intake just by carrying a specific colour determination that resonates with my theme’s gate configuration.

If this sounds too cryptic and confusing don’t worry. All you need to know is that we all have the potential to affect each other’s forms through exchanging design resonance themes. It becomes a particularly fascinating observation when we move and meet people correctly - not to mention interacting with those who form part of our daily lives.

Our bodies can then engage in the invisible and mysterious dance of resonance shifting through alignment.

Another wonderful and strange 'magic square' story comes to mind. I used to go to massage treatments with a talented practitioner who carried a determination colour that resonates with my ‘movement’ gate configuration. Movement is another theme that’s part of the design planetary resonance, what Ra called the Magic Square.

The woman was not only a massage therapist, she also was a Touch For Health practitioner. I have no idea how this juju works, but she was a little like a ‘body whisperer’. Every time I started feeling an ache or stuckness in my body, she would masterfully extract the right words and language out of me and repeat them back while tapping in the right place.

She helped shift my physical movement again and again. An emotional Manifesting Generator, she was also was a big supporter and ‘recogniser’ in my life. I was initially invited to meet her and consequently all our treatments were warmly invited by her. Interestingly, she lived in a 'valley' area in the village, while I live at the top of the village - the higher ‘mountain’ area, which is my correct environment.

Strictly speaking, being touched and physically manipulated by a healer away from my mountain environment is not ideal. However. It felt right for the duration, and her treatment room was a beautiful cabin overlooking a lush garden and woodland. I had my tasteful view. The cabin smelled heavenly with essential oils - my cognitive tone.

A fun detail - she used to apply muscle testing in order to see which oil my body is responding to. It often 'responded' to one oil at a time, a fact that never ceased to amaze her. It aligns with my PHS consecutive determination. One thing at a time please.

Voice, body temperature, movement and hydration are some of the themes that can shift in resonance - in aura - with others. Not to mention all the other mechanical stuff that take place on the ‘surface’ when two or more designs meet… So many details that may be observed for fun. However, our bodies can do the living without thinking.

It places strategy and authority in perspective as the awesome choreographers of movement and resonance. Perhaps this is the one obvious take-away from the story.

There is so much we do not know about our extraordinary bodies and the way they operate. What a privilege it is to be on this journey of discovery.

The wood and the trees

I joined my partner on a walk in the wood yesterday. This photo shows where we paused for a while in silence.

Both of us were thinking different thoughts while standing and admiring the spirit of the forest. My partner was in awe of the giant in the centre and I was taking in the majestic grandeur and silence that was so readily available to us. As we slowly started moving along the path again I suddenly heard someone calling my name from… the pocket in my backpack. Oops.

My phone was tucked away in the backpack and apparently managed to FaceTime a friend from Tel Aviv - ‘What??’…. Funny enough I was just sort of thinking of her, the way the mind can travel all over the place, but this was weird. When I picked my phone and saw her face all ready to chat I quickly said ‘I can’t talk now I am in the middle of a walk - but hey nice to see you….’

It took a while for me to register that it was my phone that called hers and oh well, it was not really important. What was important was that I was enjoying a moment in nature. But then… she was still ‘here’. My partner said ‘Isn’t that interesting, maybe you two should be talking for some reason’. ‘No we don’t’ my mind was thinking. Still, the chatter continued focusing on her and our old friendship.

Finally the conversation died out. We were back walking quietly to the sound of dried leaves crackling under our feet. And then an airplane emerged out of nowhere, piercing the silence. It was a small aircraft flying above the fields and it was making a racket. We had just entered one of our favourite areas in the wood, a higher ridge dense with ancient yew trees. It never fails to bring a sense of sacredness.

Incidentally, it’s also the spot where my partner proposed to me a few years ago [with a red and yellow hollow candy]. So, there we were in our favourite spot yesterday and this idiot airplane pilot was ruining our woodland walk. At some point - after a long pause - I could’t help myself from saying ‘I bet we are both thinking the same’. ‘Yes, exactly’ came the satisfied response, 'we are both wishing for the plane to crash!’

We laughed and I was a little shaken by the imagined violence of the annoyed mind. Oh the mind….. I guess I am coming to the point of today’s writing.

All this time I was watching my mind and my inner experience. It’s a deeply etched habit that has grown with my human design experiment. There is me, and there is what I am observing. The ‘me’ tends to run into all sorts of experiences and then it has thoughts about it. And there is my observing self. The trick is to let go of the judgment [of the judgment of the judgment…] and stay with the novelty.

Yea, things are not as they ‘should’ be - often. I wanted silence and sacredness but I got an unwanted phone call with a video connection I was not invited to. I also got pulled into a conversation I did not want to focus on. And then there came an airplane buzz that concealed the sound of the trees in the wind, that triggered annoyance and nervousness. That’s reality. And it’s a privileged often amusing reality…

Sometimes it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees when self observing with awareness. Sometimes it’s impossible to see either with the best of intentions, when awareness is sliding into self judgment.

It will not prevent me from getting lost in the woods. But it will wait for me to spot the bread crumbs on the path back home.

Cycles come and go

It’s just as they’ve described it…

Life gets so much simpler. There is less socialising but more solitary and weird eating habits; there is less planned activity [including home cleaning or gardening] and more waiting without waiting. And - there is much much less to say. At least for me. Who are ‘they’? They are the ones I have heard describing life-style changes over the years while experimenting with human design.

Ok my house is not dirty, but nor is it sparkling clean. Not according to my old standards. Since I am the cleaner in the house [my MG partner bless his heart rarely responds to cleaning], I wait for the wave of enthusiastic energy to focus on the cleaning activity. When it comes I feel curiously fulfilled by the chore, however it’s a short-lived activity given that I am getting better at knowing when enough is enough.

I remember hearing Mary Ann Winiger laughing about dusty furniture at home, how she would run her finger through it and marvelling at the paradoxes that come with following the energy of gut response. Dust is ok too. Or Leela Swann-Herbert commenting about not responding to clearing the yard and waiting for the energy. At the time I was secretely horrified. I need my mountain environment to be tasteful. But now I joined the club of what to do.

Situations change and with them the ways we see our lives. Or is it the other way around… My environment is tasteful alright, but it’s my individuated kind of tasteful. I don’t have to work hard at it.

Part of the tastefulness is the elegance of silence and refraining from sharing whatever comes to mind just because my partner enters the room I am sitting in. By keeping the flow of my thoughts to myself - and forgetting most of them soon after - I enjoy a minimalist inner room that’s sparsely furnished, metaphorically speaking, but that still has attractive decorations. Those are the clear points of focus that call me and that bring me joy.

Sometimes I share my inner process with the very few people I socialise with remotely, and those are beautiful moments of mental communion. We resonate and we inspire each other. None of what we share is special, by the way. It’s just what’s relevant and timely for us. That’s what makes it delicious.

Speaking of ‘delicious’. Eating includes anything we take into our bodies and psyches. Movies, social media, books, and also people and their stories and opinions. I am no longer ashamed to say that I hardly know what’s going on out there in the world. Every time someone sends me a link to a local or global piece of news, or a talk or an investigative take on this and that, I notice that I rarely have the appetite or energy for it.

I stopped saving links for ‘later’ unless I can smell a resonance worth waiting for. Now I know. This is my body telling me it doesn’t want to ‘eat’ this ingredient. And movies. My taste in movies has changed a lot, from being versatile and eclectic to very narrow and limited. Almost childlike. Nowadays I only watch a certain kind of Japanese anime that I seem to resonate with. Nothing violent nor too fast and furious visually. I am clearly on a conscutive roll that nourishes my fantasy prone mind.

I was thinking this morning that my PHS regimen has turned out so differently, experientially, from the way I imagined it at the beginning - seven years ago. I started with a clear plan with clear rules. And then my body started talking to me and correcting what I was forcing into it. Slolwy and hesitantly, we started to dance together - my body and my conscious observations. A process of trial and error? - you bet.

Like the old ‘house-cleaning rules’, my fixed mental plans seem laughable now. There appears to be a plan in place but I cannot always tune in. Not immediately.

I think of the people who come to me seeking guidance about their own process. My mind often wonders if I can possibly know how to guide people with such different designs and regimens than mine. I sometimes go ‘blank’ when I see new charts, my focused mind half-panicking while zooming into my neatly catalogued archive of knowledge. But I learned to trust my ‘blanks’. It simply is not the time to focus on this person yet. Ah… timing.

Cycles of experience and of sharing come and go, and the arc is long. But when it’s time - something always comes up.

~

PS

Curious about some of the terms and descriptions of my process above? Here are some of the keynotes that make up my four variables and transformation steps:

Active Consecutive Smelling ; Observed in Tasteful Mountains ; Focused Personal View of Action ; Strategic Innocent Uncertainty

The garden of observation

Today brought an unexpected and delightful surprise - an invitation to visit a beautiful garden, not too far from where I live in Sussex. It used to be the private garden of a famous landscape designer who died some years ago.

The garden had suffered neglect and disrepair for a period of time, until recently when rescued by an old friend of the deceased, who took over the property and who has been reviving the spirit of the place with love and passion - including all the original planting.

The new owner shared with us this morning that she had even discovered new roses unseen before in the garden that sprang back to life, as if awakened by a renewed sense of purpose.

Walking on the meandering gravel paths I was deeply moved by the garden’s transformation, especially since I had visited the place during the time when it was sad and neglected. The garden was singing this morning and it made my heart sing too.

This is not dissimilar to the experience of reviving one’s inner garden while journeying through the four transformations. There may be times when it appears like our inner garden is in chaos and disrepair, especially when we step into the PHS journey and are persisting with the ‘digging’ and uprooting’ of the old.

But renewal patiently awaits inside. The body and mind begin sprouting new blooms from forgotten depths we never knew existed in us.

Happy spring.

On the road, alone

A Travelogue of a 3/6 emotional projector; 1st color Consecutive eater; 1st tone Smell; 4th color Mountain environment; 2d tone Taste in environment; 6th color Personal view; 6th color Innocence motivation.

~

So. I am back home from a short trip abroad. Actually it's not the right way to put it. Not anymore. There are no 'short trips’ for me.

This journey begins with an invitation to join an ‘Immersion' with Mary Ann Winiger a good few months in advance. There follows weeks and months of not knowing, of mind arguing that it's a no-brainer and feeling into it... also of not wanting to look up flights because it would make it too real and annoying to watch the prices rise.

And then clarity comes, sort of. My mind can imagine me in this place, in this event, having fun with a group of like-minded people. Finally I feel the appetite to go, although my body still feels lazy and resisting the energy investment that such an undertaking demands. And then comes the notice that the event is full. Oh well.

I request to be placed on the 'waiting list', which is where I am anyway. A place becomes available almost immediately. Alrighty. And then starts the chapter of organising the travel, with more waiting to feel clear about this and that…. you get it. An emotional projector is basically a slug when it comes to decision making.

But there is more. There are all the fascinating layers with the signposts that reflect a ‘correct’ decision to go travelling and displacing the body. For example my partner wouldn't hear of me taking a taxi to the airport even though it's an hour's drive at the crack of dawn. I graciously accept. I can feel his silent satisfaction when pulling by the departures. Parcel delivered successfully and I am on my way.

Airport process goes smoothly with supporters showing up to help when I need it without asking (bag labelling instructions anyone? Ok now I know how to do it!). Security done in a jiffy and finally I get to the shops and food. Ah. Travel and eating.

New place, new people and auras and different kinds of food than I am used to in my rigid daily routine. Oh well, just one croissant... Relief at finding yummy separate ingredients in the 'salad' boxes. Oh and there's a hot porridge pot. Milk based. Not so good, but I will worry about it later. And so the trip begins.

A taxi driver is waiting for me at the Vienna airport. He asks me if I speak Arabic. I say ‘no’. In the car I am met by a slightly nauseating 'air freshener' and the driver switches the heating on full blast. The views on the road to my destination are great and the car inside is tasteful, but it’s steaming hot and I can hardly breath. The driver does not check in with me and I prefer not to initiate a chat. So I open the window and breath in the fresh countryside air. Phew. I am obviously inconveniencing the driver who is wearing a shirt. Cool silence between us.

The hotel is in a small industrial town surrounded by mountains and woodland in beautiful autumnal textures and colours. My room is on the top floor of this 'chalet' style building, and I have a big window with a mixed view of mountains in the background and a big ugly garage with trucks and then a local Lidl. Better to stand away from the window and just take in the mountain view from the couch.

The event brings nearly 60 people together from all parts of the world into this small Austrian provincial town. The locals are visibly intrigued. The hotel restaurant is proving to be a good enough source of simple dishes. I must make do with soups and salads and mixed veg dishes, separating them myself. The waiter is polite and clearly loyal to the chef's way of doing things. I don't have the energy to push for changes in their way of making things. On the last evening I go for French fries, what the hell.

Sitting all day with a large group of people is easy this time. My mind is 'on the case' taking in and observing with much interest. I notice this time that I don't focus on people's faces so much, more listening to their comments and sensing their mood and situation.

I am sitting on the second row, half hidden from Mary Ann. Next to me is another emotional projector and we share a mostly silent and enjoyable companionship throughout the three days. We also take walks and listen to each other intently, discuss and point to how we see things. Both 'personal' view people.

This time I notice a natural aloofness that locks me into silence and to the very occasional interactions when people approach me. It's the way I remember myself as a child, before I became more 'fun' and 'out there'. It's funny to remember this old self. It looks like I am losing my edge altogether with my 'pure' consecutive projector life style.

There is one woman, a manifesting generator who invites me to dinner together with another generator friend. Her invitation is expressed with easy recognition and I find that I don't need time to 'run my wave'. I have already processed the bond with her and would love to spend time with her.

Outside it's pissing down with rain and we trudge our way by a busy road. We are walking to a 'cool' restaurant in town about 10 min away. My friend is walking on the edge of road by me so as to allow me space on the narrow pavement. Cars pass by continually, threatening to splash us with water (and to run my friend down) but somehow we are safe. We form a very happy chatty unit under the heavy rain.

In the restaurant I am given first choice about my seat - with view. In fact I am treated like royalty by these two delightful people. Food is delicious. I remind myself to move my focus between the two once in a while so as to not leave one of my hosts out of the conversation. At the end my friend insists on treating me for dinner. It really is a treat. Life delivers signposts even on stormy dark and cold nights far away from home.

So. Been back a week now and I am still landing. Well what do you expect!...

Friendship and Manna

This is what came out of the package full of goodies I received in the post a week ago: two kinds of home-baked sprouted bread and a jar of home-made almond butter.

And no - I did not order it online from a health-food supplier. I was invited - treated - by a client/student/new friend, whom I suspect is a natural talent when it comes to making things. Yummy food is one of them.

When my client kindly offered to make the bread for me, I waited to run my emotional wave to see whether I would like to eat sprouted bread. I was surprised to observe my authority actually reacting to it as if it was a food I was about to take in. My stomach tightened at the thought initially. So I waited with my reply, given that my projector friend was going to go through all this trouble just for me.

A couple of days later I felt clear that I would like to try the bread, and feeling relieved that I can graciously accept the offer. Ten days later the delicious package arrived. It was all a slow cooking process which made it all the more precious. The grains were bought and sprouted in their own time and then ground, baked and finally packaged and posted with love.

But this is not the end of the story, it’s just the beginning. When the package finally arrived I embarked on a concentrated week of sampling the foods and processing it while running my metabolic wave - as I now fondly call it. I went through different phases over a few days - all with different sensations, tastes and smells. It became clear that even pure ingredient foods have surprising depths worth exploring.

My friend’s almond butter tastes very different from the ones previously bought from the local health food store. Hers is more ‘roasted’ in aroma and taste, and more concentrated. A different frequency altogether.

Now. Will I try to make the bread myself? I doubt it. I am far too lazy, possibly because my way of consecutive eating tends to be readily accessible and simple. In any case I could never replicate the wonderful richness of the experience because it was invited, and because the food was handmade by a person who wanted to share it with me.

Accepting the invitation meant introducing a new kind of food to my system - a small transformation that my authority was participating in.

This experience reminded me of how deeply interlinked food and the people in our lives are. No matter what we eat, it is somehow associated with a culture and with the people we grew up with or with the people in our lives now.

I am about to make a cup of black tea (loose leaf of course), and will be having it with organic dates. My grandmother used to serve black tea with fresh mint leaves and delicious succulent dates, picked locally, to go with the tea. Here’s to you grandma. Oh and while I am at it, I might have a spoonful of Fran’s delicious almond butter.

~

How is your food reflecting your culture and the people in your life?

Do you notice a difference when you eat with your inner authority?

The consecutive third-line Journey begins

I just made a mistake and deleted my first blog entry which I wrote this morning. Behh....

I can feel my stomach tightening with nervous tension while my mind is set to regurgitating what I can remember. I loved what I wrote this morning! I wrote it with appetite and  with emotional clarity and the words seemed to flow so effortlessly out of my head into the screen. There was no agenda apart from the sheer pleasure of sharing insights that felt relevant and yummy. It felt nourishing and fulfilling. 

And now I am forcing an outcome by working my brain because my mind says ‘let’s get it done and over with’. Also because I feel very attached to the image that went with the old blog. It’s a little like deciding to eat because it's lunch or dinner time, regardless of whether there's hunger or not. And then deciding what to eat and how much to eat because it's 'healthy' or because it's what's left in the fridge.  

Yep, it's what the mind does when it comes to food and eating, forcing its own view of how our PHS regimen ought to be experienced. It tells us when to eat, what to eat and how to eat regardless of the body's natural timing and preference. 

I am a Consecutive eater, and although I am operating in a consecutive manner focusing on my task without mixing in other ingredients, it's my mind that wants to complete the task so that I can move on to another. This blog may turn out to be a little indigestible as a result….

But - there's the lesson.  What do you force yourself to do or eat regardless of what feels right inside? And how can you tell when it appears to be ‘correct’?